David Hick

Here’s an idea. Let’s sell New Zealand and sort out all our problems and issues in one transaction.

If places like Greenland, Venezuela, Cuba, Taiwan and such can be discussed as something that might be bought, sold or acquired, perhaps we should get in early.

Put New Zealand on Trade Me.

Imagine the advertisement:

FOR SALE:

One slightly used island nation.

Approximately five million …  mostly friendly people.
Excellent scenery.
World-class rugby team.
Some volcanic activity included at no extra charge.
Occasional earthquakes.
Comes with sheep.

The successful purchaser would receive spectacular mountains, productive farmland, pristine beaches and an internationally recognised “clean and green” brand.

T’s & C’s APPLY.

The new owner must guarantee democracy, protect private property, preserve national parks, respect Māori culture, maintain free speech and promise never to put pineapple on mince-and-cheese pies.

They must take care of our national debt … a few hundreds of billions.

Then we’d need enough to modernise every hospital, school, road, rail line and water system , payoff National and Council Debt ... and perhaps finally build Auckland’s second harbour crossing before the twenty-second century.

Throw in an annual dividend, for every citizen , of, say.. well, we can negotiate that!

Which raises the obvious question.

Still interested?

Who would bid?

Australia might like to save time by finally making us the seventh state .. although we’d insist they adopt our pavlova recipe and stop claiming Russell Crowe.

The United States might want strategic influence in the Pacific, but we’d need written guarantees that Milford Sound won’t become Trump Fjord.

China has deep pockets.

Britain might argue they had us first.

France already owns enough of the Pacific to know what they’re getting into.

Saudi Arabia could certainly afford it.

Then again, after due diligence, every prospective buyer might reach the same conclusion:

“Lovely country … but have you seen the maintenance costs?”

Five million shareholders who all believe they’re entitled to an opinion.

A health system permanently “under review.”

Three waters, four seasons in one day, and local councils arguing over whether a pothole should be repaired this financial year or the next.

Suddenly, not such a bargain.

Perhaps that’s the real lesson.

Everything may indeed be for sale .. but not everything is worth buying.

Or perhaps New Zealand’s greatest asset isn’t the land at all.

It’s the five million people who, despite constantly complaining about the place, would become fiercely patriotic the moment someone actually tried to buy it.

Funny how quickly “Not for sale” becomes:

“Over my dead body.”